This is so true and we all recognise the “Oh, not again!” experience. My brief answer:
1. It is absolutely normal to slide down the death spiral when we absorb life shocks. We are human, frail and strongly connected to the people and things we care about. When a connection is disrupted it is quite natural to slip into self-neglect. And, it takes time to rebuild the strength and motivation to get going again. Be present to the experience and start gently.
2. An entrepreneur once remarked to me: “I don’t buy this new-age babble but I will give you this – If you do the integral daily practice (sleep, exercise, breakfast) when things fall apart, it is much easier to get through the drama and back into the game”
3. If we have had severe setbacks in the past, later adversities – even if not severe – can “remind us” of the previous pain. The loss of motivation can become a habit in times of difficulty. This is a dangerous trap and all too common.
My suggestion is to feel the experience of negative events fully. Be present for the emotion, take time to recover but gently start re-engaging your resilience practices within a couple of days. Make it easy and enjoyable. Resilience should not be a practice of suffering but rather an expression of your best self in creative and joyous action.
I would like to add to the third response. A recognised risk to Resilience is failure to resolve the impact of adversity. There can be several ways that resolution fails; we might repress the experience or part resolve it, we may get some payback from the suffering, we may personalise it, or we allow it to loom over us. In all cases we are left with somewhat unconscious emotional baggage – anger, self doubt, vulnerability, sadness or fear. Each has a mental script. Respectively, it shouldn’t have happened to me, I might be damaged, I need help, I have lost so much, or it might happen again anytime.
These entirely reasonable feelings and thoughts following an adversity should be expressed and resolved. BUT if they are allowed to become habitual they can lurk in the shadows (removing energy and vitality) and come out screaming (amygdala hijacks) if adversity strikes again. Thus building true Resilience to Adversity really does demand that we do the hard work of emotion regulation and learned optimism.
This is a very important element of parenting. We need to know not just how to work on this ourselves but also help our children work through the emotions and attendant thoughts that must be processed, resolved and replaced with optimism and enthusiasm.